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Imanuel Jannah Blog

Saturday, 5 October 2013


Two days ago, a female reader of my blog (Imanuel Jannah Blog) mailed me a question she thinks may break her relationship with her fiance, if no reasonable answer is found.

Here's her question:

Just one sweet year ago, my fiance was still living as if in biblical times—no smartphones, no high-speed Internet etc I could tweet a million sex jokes a day. I could tag myself in Facebook photos that suggested  alcoholism, Instagram pictures I crafted with some stale weed. But those days are over, sadly. My fiance has got himself a 4G smartphone with internet connection. Soon enough he is on every single social media site following me. What do I do?

B. S (Lagos, Nigeria)

You want the key to survival? Be smart. Here are nine steps to fiance-proof yourself online.

Step 1: Clean Up Your Act
Do this before you even let your fiance enter your online abode. Think of it like scrubbing the bathroom floor before he comes to visit your rather disgusting apartment.

Step 2: Accept his Friend/ Follow Request
Sorry, but you just have to.

Step 3: Set Boundaries Early
If your fiance joined the social media to stalk you and embarrass you online, it's alright to request that he should be unabled to comment on any of your posts. Set these restrictions early.

Step 4: Be Prepared to Defend
You are not just a fiancee or a girlfriend. You are a person-with a personality. Be proud to share your personality online. But not necessarily to your fiance. Perhaps, he will accept you for who you are.

Step 5: The "Block" Function
Here you are fretting about him learning your secrets. But isn't it more terrifying to contemplate learning his?
If you too find out his dirty secrets, you can simply block him from showing up in your feed. He will have no idea you've blocked him.

Step 6: Disguise Sensitive Materials using Emoticons.
The emoticons are there for a special reason. You may code sensitive messages with emoticons  leaving your fiance to read whatever meaning he desires from them.

Step 7: Don't Tweet About Sex and drugs
Think of your fiance as your social-media security system. Before you Insta­gram that nude shot you took of yourself, think, "Do I want my fiance to see this?" Same goes for the tweet about last night's hook up with your ex-boyfriend and that "Mary is ON WEED #bestfriendsforever#" Facebook status. In the end, the risk of fiance is a good check to have. Because you shouldn't be dumb enough to social-share any of those types of things above. 

Step 8: Form an Alliance
This one is a classic Survivor move. You keep the enemy close so that your enemy (a.k.a. your fiance) forgets that you're not actually on their side. This tactic requires his friend whom you're willing to sell out by pointing out the friend's faults to your fiance. Basically you're diverting attention away from you by being a conniving snake toward your fiance's friend. It works.

Step 9: Be Nice—Because You're his fiancee
Eventually you will turn into his wife. It's a cliché, but it's true. You really don't want a matrimonial life where you and your husband will not be best friends forever. You want to be your husband's best friend both online and offline. You should be humble, decent and respectful in your social media communications. so, that he'll value and be proud of you.

Thank You,
With Love.
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